Whispers.

When I arrived in Costa Rica, it was as if I literally walked, suitcases under each arm, onto a blank piece of paper. Blankness is daunting. It feels BIG and uncertain. Suddenly there are no external clues (my friends, my family, my routine, my personal space, my work) to remind me who I am and what I want.

There is sort of twisted comfort in expectation - what society expects of us, what our loved ones expect from us, and what we expect from ourselves. Although these expectations might be antiquated or senseless, they are clear nonetheless, and so we adhere to them, move accordingly to the cues out of obligation, out of fear, or even out of habit. Suddenly, here I am, standing on a blank page, and I found myself looking around timidly and saying to the air, "Ummm. O.K. and now... what? Where to?" And there is simply silence.

But silence is everything but blank - it is music, rich with guidance. I am discovering that we are too dynamic, too vibrant to live in blankness, and although the shade or tone we choose changes from time to time, we cannot be anything but COLORFUL. Each time I ask this blankness who I am, each time I seek counsel in silence, I can feel my colors changing. I can see the spectrum changing. The blankness is unfolding, and a new self is emerging and beginning to take form. I am watching it happen the way one delightfully watches a cloud reinvent itself over and over in it's journey across the sky. Even a child understands that it is useless to try and anticipate the shape a cloud will choose. Why then are we so willing to do this with our selves?

The colors we carry inside come pouring out, surrounding us, transforming us, reflecting us back to ourselves. Now that my program has started and I am molding my new 'daily' everything, I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out which way is up, where I want to go, who I want to be. It seemed logical to begin by painting and decorating my apartment, and this creative process has provided much insight into my priorities and needs at this moment in time. I feel now that they changed quietly some time ago, however without the space that blankness provides, there was no room to emerge and reveal themselves to me. As I make this place my home, this new self is covering my walls, filling my bookshelf, stocking my fridge, and I can only nod my head in agreement that yes, every day is more colorful than the last.

"Do you know what the music is saying?
“Come follow me and you will find the way.
Your mistakes can also lead you to the Truth.
When you ask, the answer will be given.” - Rumi